I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
