It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
