he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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