I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
