im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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