then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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