I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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