I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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