I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
