Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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