Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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