Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
