i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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