If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
