Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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