Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
