I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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