I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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