You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
