I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
