Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
