my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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