Jerry, you need to find god
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize