your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
