Welp...herpes.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
