Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
