I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
