you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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