Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize