I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
