I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
