Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
