Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
