My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
