I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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