These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
