my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
