I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
