the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize