Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
