How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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