Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
