I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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