im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
