if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All I want is dick and wine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
