is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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