if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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