I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
