Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
