My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
