I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
