I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she looked like the before picture.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
