It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
