There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
