By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
