I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
