why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
