So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
