He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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