The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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