we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
