my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
