rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
