I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
