I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
